


just enjoy the show

by reptilianraven



Category: Let's Play Cyberpunk Red - Polygon (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Hopefully Intense Existential Comedy, Humor, M/M, Pining, mild existential horror, or is it????, the gang fight a coffee shop au that they seem to be trapped in, the intrinsic horror of the 2010s
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 20:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28569897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reptilianraven/pseuds/reptilianraven
Summary: “What’s going on with me right now is that I’ve found myself in a bougie caffeine establishment fever dream that just so happens to have theshittieststore playlist in the history of ever.” Vang0 says, bordering on manic as he looks up at the ancient speaker up in the corner of the shop. “Seriously, what is this terrible song?”“Hey, Soul Sister by Train.” Candella still, amazingly, does not look alarmed or worried.-Or the one where Vang0 is a barista at Gio's Beans Cafe...except he’snot.This isn’t his fucking job, this isn’t his fucking life, and it takes a quick look around the horrifyingly low tech coffee shop he’s in and the fact that he’s missing a USB port on his neck to be painfully aware that this isn’t his fucking universe. This is a 2010s over idealistic portrayal of adult mundanity that he and his friends are stuck in and Vang0 has to get them all out of this nightmare before he commits customer service acts of violence.Bring it on, Coffee Shop AU. Bring. It. On.
Relationships: Dapper Dasha/Vang0 Bang0/Burger Chainz
Comments: 5
Kudos: 25
Collections: PCPR Mini Big Bang 2020





	just enjoy the show

**Author's Note:**

> heres the thing: i personally dislike coffee shop aus. so i made it a challenge to myself to write one, and ended up with a fic that was just completely off the shits about the gang being trapped against their will in a coffee shop au 
> 
> this work was made in fulfillment for the fandom event PCPR Mini Big Bang 2020. thank you to my beta neonapologist on tumblr!!!! and thank you to my partnered artist it2017 on tumblr who made this amazing piece of art for this fic over here [link will be added later]
> 
> i hope you enjoy!!!

The universe _lurches_.

Or maybe not the universe, maybe it’s just Vang0’s entire being that is thrown from one end of this nowhere to the other. It’s hard to tell, what with how he currently feels like he and all of his atoms are being forcibly squeezed through one of those novelty crazy straws within the vast blackness of whatever this place is. 

He feels like he’s floating. 

He feels like he’s dying. 

He feels, vaguely, kind of hungry, but that’s probably unrelated. 

_The year is 2045_ , a voice rings out in the dark. _The year is 2045̶̯̙͉̹̄̄̈́̑̅̋̉́̂̕͝͝ͅ_ , it repeats, more desperate now, sound distorting and crackling.

_T̴͔̗̣̹̠̟̓̏͛̈́̈́͋̇̽h̴̢̛͎̤̙̠̮̻͎͓̻̬͈̳͊͂͋͑̐̂̈͛͘͜ͅe̶̢̨͍̰͚͓͍̮̯͂̈͝ ̵̡̧̛̻͖̰̤̖͕͉̱̹̱̱̳͑̒͊̾̌͋̔̎̀͗͝͝ͅy̴̧̱̹̤̠̝̖̼̺̹̲͕̪̖͋̆e̸̢̥̩̝̞̺̖͎͉̅̿̌̎͛̾̆̕ã̵̡͚̫͔̫̙̺̥̮̭̟̼̹͓̤̱̗̆̏̀̈́̕͝r̷̜͕̣̟͐,_ the voice says, breaking apart. _Ṭ̷̫͙̙̄͆̇͛͂̐͑̿̋̍̇̃̚͘͝͝h̶̢͇͓͈͙̖̳̰̐̔̒̃͐͛̅̒̓͘ę̵̨̡͕͍̱͚̗͍͕͇͖̞̥͖͖̦͛͘ ̶̡͉͈̺̻̟̥̖̣̫̥͓̼͋̇͘͜ẙ̷̖̫̰̩͒̾̑͆̂̒̈́̽́͐͑͜͠͠͠ę̶̧̖̦͉͎̯̤̮̳̫͙̙̻̑͂̉̊̍̇̇̃̕͠͝a̴̧̭̣͖͕̣̺͈̪̜̹͓̝͍͙̒́̒̍̃̚ṛ̴͎̤̘̳͍̮̝̼̍̓͂̊̄̚ͅ ̴̡̝͓̖͈͎̱̟̱̼̝̈̃̊̈́͘̕ͅͅͅi̴̢̛̘̻̣͚̲̮̪̥̽̾͂̒͗̋͆̈́͜s̸̛̘̖̰̗̜͙̏̇̈̇͆͒̉̅́̕͠͝_

“2045,” Vang0 says to the nothingness, trying to help the voice. “The year is 2045.”

The universe clears its throat. 

There’s a pause, as if the motherfucker is taking a moment to have a sip from a glass of water. 

_Sorry about that. The year is 2010_ , the voice says, as a matter of fact.

“What?” Vang0 says. “No it’s fucking not, you idiot.”

_The year is 2010,_ the voice repeats, as if not hearing him. _Fluff. Slow Burn. Mutual Pining. OT3. Alternate Universe - Coffee Shop._

“What the fuck are you even saying?” Vang0, despite being in the process of atomic destruction, feels his confusion very deeply in atom number 9897. 

_I hope you enjoy reading!_ , the voice says cheerily and—

Vang0 screams. Everything he is feels ripped apart and dipped into a boiling vat of molten information. The novelty crazy straw diverges into an endless maze, funneling parts of himself away, above, to the left, who fucking knows. Vang0 screams, tries to hold onto the threads that keep him _him_ and his lasts thoughts before he goes are that he hopes that Dasha and Burger are okay and—

-

[_Hey, soul sister, ain’t that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo?—_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVpv8-5XWOI&list=PLY9GsNuTkJr2WK3fib6Ku0E9EzmJu1Ndm)

Vang0 opens his eyes. 

What usually meets his gaze when he does this is his homey shitpile of an apartment, sometimes the cozy interior of Burger’s van, sometimes Dasha’s messy living room, but this time he sees none of these things. 

What he sees, first and foremost, is a dinosaur of a cash register. This cash register is connected to a counter that has a display case filled with croissants and muffins and other pretentious bread treats Vango) never bothered to learn the names of. Vang0 is standing behind the counter, which deeply horrifies him, so he decides to look beyond the counter for some kind of comfort or explanation.

Neither enter the scene. Comfort and explanation have promptly fucked off.

“What the fuck,” Vang0 says to himself as he stares at what is undeniably a coffee shop. There are couches and tables and those terrible little stools that make everybody’s back hurt. The decor is a gentrifier’s wet dream; lightbulbs hanging from the ceiling by the wire, motivational posters in loopy calligraphy, and all the beverages seem to be in mason jars. A few people are sitting around drinking from the jars as if this _doesn’t bother them at all_. 

If this already wasn’t already nightmarish for Vang0, he looks down.

“Oh, I am definitely having a nightmare,” Vang0 says as he looks at what he’s wearing:, a white polo shirt, brown khakis, boat shoes, with the cherry on top being a maroon apron with a nametag that says VANG0.

“It’s a Monday morning, we’re all having a nightmare, you’re not special.,” Somebody hip checks him and Vang0 jolts, turning to see who he’s talking to.

“Candella?” Vang0 squints, his confusion reaching such heights that it had to be be breaking some zoning laws. 

Candella raises a single perfectly shaped eyebrow and leans slightly on the mop she’s holding. “Yes? Why are you looking at me like you’re about to scream?”

“ because I’m about to scream,” Vang0 hisses, gesturing to everything around him and the wrongness of it all. “What is this? What’s going on? Why am I dressed like I’m _straight_.”

“Seriously?” Candella rolls her eyes, unimpressed. “You couldn’t have scheduled your existential work breakdown until _after_ our shift? You don’t see _my_ lesbian ass complaining while I’m on the clock, do you?”

“I—What? Am I speaking another fucking language? You answered none of my questions!”

“Yeah because it’s 9am and the morning rush just ended so I at the moment I do not have enough energy to indulge,” Candella gestures at all of Vang0. “whatever is going on with you right now.”

“What’s going on with me right now is that I’ve found myself in a bougie caffeine establishment fever dream that just so happens to have the _shittiest_ store playlist in the history of ever.” Vang0 says, bordering on manic as he looks up at the ancient speaker up in the corner of the shop. “Seriously, what is this terrible song?”

“Hey, Soul Sister by Train.” Candella still, amazingly, does not look alarmed or worried. She just sighs. “Vang0, seriously, just. Why don’t you take this,” she hands him the mop. “And clean up the floor, yeah? Take deep breaths, think nice thoughts, and calm down. I know this job is shit and balls, but, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, have your panic attack on your own time, like a responsible adult, ‘kay?”

Vang0, baffled, takes the mop. He feels like screeching in frustration, but he’s sure that Candella isn’t above bashing his head against the nearby fridge to stop him from alarming the customers, or something. 

So he grits out, “Fine.”

He starts mopping the floor. What Vang0 does while mopping the floor is get his mind together. Bad move, his outburst earlier. It got him no information at all and just made Candella—who is now no longer a runaway make up artist on an extended honeymoon with her girlfriend and now instead is his coworker???—think he was being a total nut. This at least confirms one thing for Vang0; Candella sees nothing wrong with the situation they’re in.

But what is the situation? Vang0 mops around the coffee shop and surveys his surroundings in greater detail. Behind the counter are blenders, sinks, a microwave, and various coffee contraptions. There’s are three chalkboard menus hanging above the counter, one of them exclaiming the coffee shop’s name as “Gio’s Beans”, the one in the middle listing the cafe’s array of drinks and snacks, and the last one had a drawing of a smiling mason jar saying the words “Feeling caf-FINE!” Aside from the fact that that last one is a horrible pun, Vang0 doesn't even have to look at the surrounding customers to come to a conclusion: Vang0 has, one way or another, found himself in an elaborate and freakily real kind of nightmare where he’s a barista. 

Ew.

“Ew, okay, I’m tired of this,” Vang0 says as he raises his hand to pinch his neck hard enough to wake up. 

Ow.

Hm.

He’s still here. 

He pinches again.

Ow. 

He’s...still here. Oh fuck. 

He pinches—

Wait. 

Something is off.

He pinches one last time and he figures it out.

The USB port in his neck is gone, replaced completely by skin. 

Vang0, very quickly, takes the mop and walks back to the back of the counter where Candella is seated, texting on her—

“What the fuck is that in your hand?” Vang0 says, looking at the disgusting device she’s holding.

“A BlackBerry, dingus.” Candella looks up boredly. “You finish mopping?”

“Yeah, totally,” Vang0 tries to keep his panic out of his voice, haphazardly leaning the mop against the counter. “I now have to go to a closed room where there’s nobody to see me freak out!”

Candella sighs and jerks her head to a door next to the fridge. “Use the break room and try to keep it down, yeah?”

“Absolutely,” Vang0 nods before all but fleeing to the door, pushing it open, shutting it close, and locking it just to be safe.

Vang0 doesn’t have time to investigate the room he’s in because he’s too busy looking at his hands and pulling at his left pointer fingernail. It doesn’t budge. It doesn’t go _click_ and pop off, revealing his wire garrotte. Oh no. He brings his hands up to his face and searches for the button next to the corner of his eye, the button that switches on his optic monitor, but all he finds is the smooth skin of his temple, no button in sight. Oh fuck no. 

“Okay, Vang0, stay calm.” Vang0 says to himself, self aware enough to know that he is miles away from calm. “Everything is chill, everything is cool, you’re just in a nightmare you can’t seem to wake up from and also all your cybernetics are gone and Candella was using some fucked up kinda agent called a _BlackBerry_.”

Something clicks in Vang0’s brain. Something terrible and horrifying and that sounded like a cheery voice listing off words that make no sense in the vast nothingness. Something that becomes more apparent when he looks around the break room and sees a printer from the dark ages, sees two bags that are designed in an old way but not old enough to be cool again, sees a hanged picture of the interior of the coffee shop that is just ever so off in the slightest way because the tech is all wrong.

Vang0, slowly, turns, and comes face to face with a whiteboard calendar on the wall.

A whiteboard calendar that says that today is May 5, _2010_.

“Okay, Vang0,” He says to himself shakily, falling back into a squeaky spinning chair. “Everything is chill, everything is cool, you just...time travelled to the dumbest possible year ever?”

Vang0 doesn’t know much about 2010, given that he was only born like ten years later. It was vintage but in the uncool way that made people want to avoid it instead of want to make it the in thing again. Vang0 needs to know more. 

He pats down the pockets of his stupid straight boy khakis and finds another one of those terrible agents like the one Candella was holding. The screen is small and the keyboard is even smaller, QWERTY keys tiny and bulbous and unsettlingly not holographic. It takes him a laughably long time to type on the monstrosity to search up just what the hell is going on in this year, and the answers are not stellar. Shutter shades are popular, people are mean to Lady Gaga for no reason, and tech all around the world is still 20 years away from the cyberpunk movement of the 2030s. Basically, everything _sucks_.

But he’s here. And if he wants to get out, he’s going to need way more information.

He’s going to have to go undercover. 

He takes a breath to steel himself and walks out of the break room. Candella looks up from her agent. 

“Feel better?” she asks.

“Yeah, I feel—” Vang0 searches his mind for an appropriately 2010 thing to say “—amazeballs.”

Candella’s face scrunches but she doesn’t comment, so Vang0 figures he didn’t fuck up too bad. 

He settles himself into his place behind the cash register and surveys the coffee shop, looking for anybody suspicious. He hadn’t paid the customers much attention because he never pays people around him much attention, but now, he zeroes in on each and every one of them and he realizes everybody in the shop is somebody he’s met before. There’s the Seinfeld gang in the corner, now exhausted looking college students. There are a few of the residents of M House scattered around the store, dressed like sharp business people. There’s even that guy from the warehouse, Edmund, stressing over a clunky looking laptop. He wonders just what the hell is going on here when suddenly his thought process is derailed by a very familiar head of long dark brown hair. 

The woman shifts in her seat slightly and, holy fuck.

It’s _Dasha_.

She’s dressed like the business people but hotter and not in her usual bomber jacket getup, but it’s her, no doubt about it. Vang0 scans his eyes around, now looking for a shock of ginger hair and, there we go, and he doesn’t have to stray far, because literally on the next table, Burger is there, happily sipping a milkshake from a mason jar like everything is normal and not like he’s completely missing a cybernetic eye and metal jaw, but right now, fuck details, because Dasha and Burger are here, they’re safe, they’re okay.

But are Dasha and Burger like Vang0? Aware that this world is insane? Or are they like everybody else, inexplicably in on the entire thing?

Only one way to find out. 

“Candella, I’m going to harass some customers,” Vang0 excuses himself unceremoniously.

“Don’t get arrested,” Candella says, not even looking up from her agent.

Vang0 tries to not be alarming as he walks over to where Dasha and Burger are sitting. Once he’s there, he clears his throat. 

“Uh, ma’am,” Vang0 addresses Dasha who looks up cooly. “And uh, sir.” He tells Burger who is smiling sunnily at him. 

“Yes?” Dasha says, calm and _totally not indicative to whether or not she can tell that this place is fucked up_.

“There a problem, misterrrr—” Burger squints his eye to read Vang0’s nametag. “—Vang0?”

Vang0 realizes in this moment that he did not plan at all what he had to say, so he wings it. “Will the both of you please come to the bathroom with me.”

Oh jesus fuck. That sure came out of his mouth.

“Okay!” Burger says as Dasha just nods??? and they both stand up from their seats, and literally what the fuck. Vang0 still has no idea whether or not they’re on his side or they’re just fucking weird. 

Vang0 leads them to the bathroom that’s in the corner of the coffee shop, and they all walk in a ridiculous line, like they’re on a fuckin’ field trip. Vang0 sees Candella look over the counter with her eyebrows scrunched up, but he ignores her. Too late to abandon ship now. Vang0 opens the door to the bathroom, gestures for them to cram themselves into the cramped room, and once they’re both in, Vang0 follows and shuts the door closed and locked. 

When Vang0 turns around, Dasha and Burger are looking at him intently.

“Okay so,” Vang0 says. “I’m going to ask a question and depending on whether or not you guys are like me or if you guys are like the others, you’re going too react to it in very different directions, which will help me diagnose this situation further. So.” He takes a deep breath, then he lets loose whatever thin veneer of calm he’s been holding up for the past minute. “Do you guys have _any_ fucking idea what the fuck is going on here!?”

Burger and Dasha immediately begin talking over each other, the familiar chaos just fucking music to Vang0’s ears. 

Burger says, “Nope! I opened my eyes and realized I only had one and also a regular jaw but nobody else thought anything was weird so I just enjoyed my milkshake in the funky jar and—”

Dasha says, “Literally the fact that you asked us to come to the bathroom with you is the most normal thing that’s happened this past half hour, oh my god, why am I in _business attire_ , I’m going to vomit—”

“—I have a weird ugly agent in my pocket and my thumbs are too big for it but it says we’re in 2010 which is kind of worrying, not gonna lie—”

“—I checked my wallet and apparently I’m a fucking _lawyer_ , Vang0, I want to die, but I couldn’t, because we’re in a coffee shop, and—”

“—So I’m freaking out but I stayed quiet because—”

Burger and Dasha take a breath, look at each other, then look to Vang0 and say together “Everybody knows you can’t make a scene in a coffee shop.”

“Oh thank fuck,” Vang0 laughs, strained at the edges. “Thank god you guys are on my side, I really didn’t want to be in this nightmare alone.”

“I missed you guys,” Burger says, sounding on the verge of tears. “I don’t know how long it’s been since I last saw you two because before I was here I was in a, uh. Hm. Don’t know how to explain where I was before this, actually.”

“Was it a vast darkness that’s kind of hard to remember where you felt your very being get ripped into shreds?” Dasha says, eyes widening. “Because that’s where I was.”

“Yeah!” Burger grins. “It was not nice!”

“Fuck.,” Vang0 feels a shiver go up his spine. “Me too.”

“Vang0,” Dasha says, voice heavy with worry. He gets it, she’s usually the one with the plan, but Vang0 figures that she’s feeling a bit lost now. “Do you know what’s going on?”

“No,” Vang0 frowns. “All I know is the following: this isn’t a dream, all our cybernetics are gone, we somehow have completely different lives and roles here, the three of us are the only ones who are out of place, and it’s 2010.”

“2010,” Dasha says thoughtfully, humming. “I don’t know anything about 2010.”

“Me neither,” Burger frowns. “Except that Carly Rae Jepsen released Tug Of Warr like two years before 2010.”

“I don’t think Carly Rae Jepsen is going to help us here, Burger,” Vang0 says. “Dasha, you said you were a lawyer? Well I—” He gestures to his apron. “—am a fucking barista.”

“Oh!” Burger pulls out his wallet from one of the many, many pockets on his cargo pants. “I’m—” He flips open his wallet, rifling through the contents before he finds a picture and grins, showing Vang0 and Dasha the little printed image of Burger posing next to some archaic motorbikes. “—a motorcycle mechanic!”

“Okay, not fair, why does Burger get a cool job,” Vang0 huffs. “This universe sucks.”

“This ‘universe’?” Dasha raises an eyebrow at Vang0. 

Vang0 sighs. “You guys are going to call me crazy, but my current theory as to what is going on is that we, uh, time travelled? To 2010? And also that this whole universe might not be ours, might be an alternate reality altogether, what with the fact that we have different roles and that the coffee shop is filled with people we’ve met before but dialed back 35 years in vibe.”

“Seriously? Time travel? Alternate reality?” Dasha says incredulously. “You watch too many sci-fi movies.”

“Dasha, our home time is literally a place where I can make my dick a functioning wifi hotspot,” Vang0 deadpans. “Time travel and universe jumping is _not_ out of the realm of possibility.”

“Time travel and universe jumping _would_ explain the detour to the vast nothingness,” Burger says contemplatively.

“Okay,” Dasha leans against the wall. “Let’s say I believe this theory for now because we don’t have any other leads. Why us?”

“I don’t know,” Vang0 admits. “Anybody remember what came before the vast nothingness? Because I just checked in my noggin and it’s—” Vang0 tries to reach backwards in his memory, but just like how his amnesia robbed him of his past, whatever this is has robbed him this time of an explanation. “—blurry. I know who I am, I know who you guys are, I generally have memories of our time together and my time after my amnesia set in but like, details? Right before the vast nothingness? Can’t remember shit. I’m willing to bet it’s the same in your brains too, huh?”

Dasha and Burger’s uneasy silence is answer enough. 

“We need to know more,” Dasha says, determined. “That means leaving this coffee shop and looking around. That sound like a plan?”

“It sure does,” Burger grins.

“Please,” Vang0 says. “Let’s please leave this caffeine hellhole.”

“Right then, let’s go.” Dasha nods.

All three of them exit the bathroom and, oddly enough, nobody pays them any mind. Maybe it’s the norm in 2010 for friends to go piss all together and something happened between this year and 2045 that made that kind of codependency taboo again. Whatever, Vang0 has better things to do, like following Dasha and Burger’s lead as they walk to the door of the coffee shop. 

Vang0 unties his apron, slips it off, and haphazardly drops it on the floor to be somebody else’s problem because he’s Vang0 fuckin’ Bang0, netrunner wunderkind, soon to be big streamer star, badass brains of this little team of friends he works with. He is not, and never will be, a barista in a stupid little cafe with glaringly overpriced coffee. 

Dasha pushes the door open, she and Burger walking out, and Vang0 follows them, as he always does, not looking back and—

-

[_Don’t stop, make it pop, DJ blow my speakers up—_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iP6XpLQM2Cs&list=PLuhTxM0gyDZRq6NMa7EhjN1VpN3BwnWcv&index=10&t=0s)

Vang0 opens his eyes. 

“Whaaaaat the fuuuuuck?” Vang0 says. He’s sure his eyes are wild and wide as he looks around and sees the cash register, the counter, the coffee shop all over again as if the entire scene just _restarted_.

“You can say that again,” Candella says, hip checking him just like she did last time. “Fuckin’ Tuesday mornings. Only thing worse is a Monday morning.”

“Candella,” Vang0 turns to her, well aware that he sounds like a hamster being squeezed. “What’s the date today?”

Candella raises an eyebrow. “May 6.”

“Right. And yesterday. Did I have a breakdown—”

“—In the break room, yeah,” Candella rolls her eyes. “Not gonna lie, you look like you’re going to have another one.”

“Right,” Vang0 looks around and strains his memory. The scene didn’t restart, did it? As he scans his eyes through the customers in the shop, it’s like a game of spot the difference. People are seated in new arrangements, they’re wearing new clothes, and Vang0 just knows in his bones that the calendar in the break room now says a day has passed. 

Vang0’s day didn’t restart.

Vang0’s day was fucking _smashcut_.

Very quickly, he spots Burger and Dasha in the store, looking just as quietly panicked as he feels. Vang0 doesn’t even bother to excuse himself for Candella’s sake, he just stomps over to where they are, chokes out a “Family meeting, guys. Bathroom. Now.” and walks to the bathroom knowing full well that they’re following right behind him like a line of baffled ducklings.

“Okay, so,” Vang0 shuts the door and locks it and turns around. “Is it just me or did we all just get smashcut?”

Burger raises his hand. “I would describe it more like a section break. But yeah, absolutely.”

“Did we just get Groundhog Day’d?” Dasha asks, sounding a little bit shrill towards the end there.

“We didn’t. It’s not May 5 anymore, it’s May 6.” Vang0 tells them both. “When we left the coffee shop, nothing restarted, it just...jumped us forward.”

“I’m starting to believe your sci-fi bullshit a little bit more now, Vang0.,” Dasha leans against the wall and sighs.

“At least Burger of this universe has a good selection of flannels,” Burger muses, looking at his red buffalo check flannel. Yesterday it was blue. Vang0 looks down himself and his shirt is no longer white but a light shade of periwinkle. 

“Vang0 of this universe dresses like somebody who’d call me a slur,” Vang0 winces.

“Dasha of this universe must be miserable,” Dasha deadpans. “Because I was wearing heels last time and I’m wearing them this time and my feet fucking hurt. Dasha in general wants to get the fuck out of here.”

“Burger in general seconds this motion.”

“Vang0 in general thinks we need to stop speaking in third person and focus.” Vang0 sighs, leaning against the clunky hand dryer. 

“You’re right,” Dasha nods. “What do we know?”

“We know we’re physically trapped in this coffee shop,” Vang0 says. 

“We know that when we try to leave, it sends us to the next day,” Burger says.

“Hm,” Dasha says. “I want to know how long before this universe jumps us forward again. Vang0, how long is your shift?”

“Oh god,” Vang0 groans. “Please don’t tell me we’re going to stay here.”

“We’re going to stay here.,” Dasha smirks, enjoying Vang0’s suffering. “We need to test the bounds of whatever this place is. We know our limits in terms of space, I want to know our limits in terms of time.”

“That’s a great idea!” Burger says. “Plus it means I can finish my milkshake.”

“Oh, _Burger_ , you can finish your milkshake and order another one.”

“I am,” Vang0 says. “Going to commit customer service acts of violence if I have to go through an entire shift at this hoity toity bean water establishment.”

Dasha rolls her eyes. “You’ve been through worse.”

“Doesn’t mean I want to go through the mildly annoying!”

“Awww, come on, Vang0.,” Burger pouts and fuck him, fuck his pouts and his puppy dog gaze that actually work on Vang0. “We have to work together.”

“Yeah, come on, Vang0,” Dasha bats her eyelashes prettily and actually, fuck them both for being assholes.

Or well, they’re not being assholes. Not really. It’s not like they know Vang0 is in love with both of them, they just think they’re being funny, not cruel. Vang0 sighs dramatically, shuts his eyes, and tries to ignore the warm feeling in his face.

“Fine,” He bites out. “But you guys owe me. I’m doing all the work here, the only thing you two will do is sit around and listen to shit music.”

Vang0 turns around and exits the bathroom, not bothering to look back at Dasha and Burger because he doesn’t want to know if they saw him blushing at their antics. 

Typical. All three of them are stuck in some kind of fucked up pocket dimension, and even here, Vang0 can’t catch a break from the stupid ooey gooey romantic feelings he has for his best friends. 

Candella is looking at Vang0 with a shark- like grin when he walks back behind the counter.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Vang0 asks, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

“You’ve got a crush,” Candella grins. “You’ve got a crush on tall business lady and lumberjack hunk.”

“What!?” Vang0 squeaks. “Hello!? What!?”

“You keep looking at them, every time they’re in here.”

“I mean yeah, but how did you get to that conclusion and not instead, like, questioning why we all went to the bathroom together!?”

“I don’t know how polyamorous flirting works, you guys do you.”

“Oh my god,” Vang0 thunks his head on what he assumes is an espresso machine. “This universe was made specifically to bring me pain.”

“Did you ask them out?” Candella pokes him in the side. “In the bathroom, did y'all make out and and then agree to go on a date?”

“No, we didn’t, what the hell!” Vang0 hisses, the warmth in his face returning and setting up permanent shop. “We were just! Discussing! Things!”

“Uh huuuuuhhhh,” Candella drawls. “That totally sounds suuuuper convincing.”

“Shut up, it’s the truth!”

“Excuse me,” a bored woman—Vang0 darts his eyes to her and recognizes her as M-UA, but business causal 2010 M-UA—says at the counter. “Can I get a latte some time today?”

“Of course you can, ma’am,” Candella physically wrangles a mason jar into Vang0’s hands and pushes him towards one of the coffee contraptions. “Vang0, make this nice lady a latte while I cash it in.”

Vang0, just thankful for any excuse to leave the conversation, goes and makes the nice lady a latte.

Which is probably one of the most surreal experiences of Vang0’s life, if he’s being honest. He doesn’t know how to make a latte, barely even knows what’s supposed to be _in it_. Vang0 doesn’t do coffee, he does carbonated energy drinks, but his lack of coffee knowledge apparently is no fucking problem because the moment he turns to the machines, he feels his body go on autopilot through motions he’s never done before. He pours hot espresso into the mug with steamed milk, tops it with foamed milk, even does the fancy latte flower art on the top. The fact that the Vang0 of this universe knows how to make a latte makes Vang0 want to scream. This isn’t him. This isn’t _him_.

“Latte for Emmanuela,” Vang0 calls out into the coffee shop. When M-UA walks over and takes the latte from his hands, Vang0 bowls over as he feels himself returning to his body.

“You okay?” Candella nudges him with her elbow.

“No,” Vang0 says bluntly. “Making lattes is existential torture.”

“You can say that again,” Candella laughs. “But whatever pays the bills, yeah? Tell me more about those two hot customers, come on, make this shift a bit more interesting.”

The next six hours are quite possibly the worst six hours Vang0 has ever experienced in his life. Okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration, given that he’s been kidnapped and shot before, but this experience is definitely in the top ten. Vang0 alternates between dodging Candella’s questions on his non-existent love life and making coffee while feeling like a fucking puppet. Between getting interrogated on feelings he knows won’t be reciprocated and confronting his lack of agency and identity in this universe, Vang0 is not having a great time, so he’s staring at the clock in the coffee shop as it slowly ticks down to 3pm.

His eyes meet Dasha’s eyes across the coffee shop. Then his eyes meet Burger’s. Then they all turn to look at the clock as the minute hand inches towards the end of his shift. Vang0 can vaguely hear Candella saying goodbye, can vaguely hear her ask Vang0 if he wants a ride to his apartment, but he can’t hear her. He can’t pay attention to anything other than the clock.

Which slowly, slowly, ticks to 3pm and—

-

[_Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin’ stars—_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVcvBmFF_lU)

Vang0 opens his eyes. 

“MotherFUCKER!” Vang0 reels back from the cash register, back bumping into the door of the fridge.

“Geez, you feeling okay, dude?” Candella hip checks him, and Vang0 wants to screech.

“I’m not feeling okay, dude!” Vang0 hisses. “My friends and I are trapped in a coffee shop hellhole and we can’t seem to get out!”

Vang0 expects Candella to roll her eyes and tell Vang0 he’s being disruptive, or something, but instead, something...happens. 

She tilts her head slowly, eyes going intense and vacant at the same time. She grabs Vang0’s wrist and squeezes so tight that Vang0 gasps in pain.

“You _are_ trapped here, Vang0,” Candella says eerily. “None of you can escape. Don’t even bother trying.”

“What the _hell?_ ” Vang0 rears back, forcibly wrenching his arm out of Candella’s hold as she blinks and goes back to looking more normal. “Candella?”

“Yeah?” Candella blinks, looking nonplussed, as if the last few seconds never happened. They did, though, there’s an ache in Vang0’s arm that’s proof of that. “I said that if you had a bad night, you should probably start sleeping earlier.”

“Right,” Vang0 says softly. “I’m gonna go talk to some very specific customers now.”

“Ohhhh,” she coos. “Have _fuuuuuun_.”

“I won’t!” Vang0 calls out as he walks toward where Dasha and Burger are already standing up and making their way to the bathroom, three baffled points converging determinedly.

When they’re all in the bathroom, Vang0 immediately starts speaking, his voice tinged with bespoke panic. 

“Hey, so,” Vang0 says. “Candella just went creepy as fuck and told me that there’s no escaping here and trying is useless—”

“Twinsies!” Burger grins then realizes that that isn’t the appropriate reaction, frowning a second later. “I got a text on my agent earlier that said ‘YOU’RE TRAPPED HERE,’ which is a pretty alarming text to receive in any situation.”

“Three strikes and you’re out,” Dasha grumbles. “The coffee-shop-hell NPC at the next table told me that our efforts are ultimately futile and that we should give up.”

Vang0 scoffs. “Us? Give up? Fuck ‘em all. We’re getting out of here one way or another.”

“Hell yeah we are,” Dasha quirks a smile. “We need to regroup though. We need to figure out a battle plan. We know we can’t physically leave this space and our time runs out at 3pm.”

“I feel like,” Vang0 leans back against the door. “we’ve been way too neutral, with how we’re going about things. We can’t just sit around and wait for things to happen, we’ve gotta go on the offensive.”

“But how does one go on the offensive against a—a coffee shop pocket dimension?”

“Coffee shop pocket dimension,” Burger repeats quietly. Then he gasps, whipping his head up with a grin on his face. “Guys! I’ve figured it out!”

“Figured what out?” Vang0 asks.

“What this place is exactly!” Burger grabs Vang0 by the shoulders and shakes him a little in his enthusiasm. “It’s a Coffee Shop AU!”

“A Coffee Shop what?” Vang0 tilts his head.

“What’s an AU?” Dasha asks.

“It stands for Alternate Universe,” Burger lets go of Vang0 as he starts to explain what he means in detail. “It’s a genre of fanfiction where characters are taken from their original story and placed in another kind of setting. A Coffee Shop AU is where some characters work in the coffee shop while other characters y'know, go to the coffee shop. It’s a lot of fluff and pining.” Burger sighs lovingly.

A beat of silence.

Vang0 and Dasha look at each other. Then they look at Burger. Then they both say, “What?”

Burger’s eyes scrunch up and he looks vaguely disappointed. It’s an odd expression to see on Burger. “Please tell me you guys have read fanfiction.”

“I can’t say I have?” Dasha says.

“I mean, I know of it, I’m not an idiot,” Vang0 huffs, crossing his arms. “But I’ve never read any, sue me. You read fanfiction, Burger?”

“Yeah,” Burger nods. “Ever since Simon Pegg passed away—rest in peace, king—shitty writers and directors keep fucking up the reboot Star Trek movies. It’s like they’re trying to out do J.J. Abrams, I swear. Fanfic is the only place where Kirk is written well, these days.”

“Okay, yeah, you’re right about the reboot movies, that last one really just undid all the progress that the previous movie set u—”

“Boys,” Dasha interrupts them both. “Focus. Burger, what does fanfiction have anything to do with our situation?”

“Oh, well, you know how we can’t leave this place and we keep getting jumped forward the next day when Vang0’s shift is over? Well, the only place I’ve seen that kind of structure is in Coffee Shop AU fanfiction,” Burger explains. “Scenes only take place in a character’s shift before jumping forward to the next scene. The setting rarely leaves the interior of the coffee shop. We might be in a pocket dimension, but I really think the specific flavor of this pocket dimension is that of a Coffee Shop AU.”

“Let’s say this _is_ a Coffee Shop AU,” Dasha says slowly and vaguely pained. “How does that help us?”

“Coffee Shop AUs follow a lot of patterns and tropes. Stuff like slice of life and low stakes routine,” Burger says. “Vang0 said we should go on the offensive, yeah? Well, what if we go _against_ the grain of the AU?”

“Break the patterns,” Vang0 looks up at Burger. Wonderful, amazing, creative Burger. “Break the story. Break the pocket dimension.”

“Yeah!” Burger grins. 

“Okay, I’m liking where this is going.,” Dasha looks between the both of them, a mischievous smile on her face. “Time to start some trouble, yeah?”

“Hell yeah,” Vang0 says as Burger nods. “What can we do that would _never_ happen in a slice of life story?”

Burger hums for a bit before his eyes catch on the little bottle of hand sanitizer sitting on the edge of the sink. He grins as he grabs the bottle and brandishes it at Vang0 and Dasha like it’s the answer to all of their problems. “Tadaa!”

“I don’t thank we can sanitize our way to freedom, Burg,” Dasha says, confused.

“But we can lowkey arson our way to freedom!” Burger shakes the hand sanitizer enthusiastically. “Hand sanitizer is flammable! Either of you got a lighter?”

“One sec,” Vang0 says, patting down his hideous khaki’s, hoping to whatever omnipotent nightmare is out there controlling this hell pit that 2010 normie Vang0 still has an addiction to— “Bingo,” Vang0 pulls a little old school lighter from out of his pocket triumphantly. “Vang0 of this universe still has my vices, it seems.”

“So what’s the plan?” Dasha asks. “We go out there and...what, start a hand sanitizer fire in the middle of the shop?”

“Uh huh,” Burger nods. “I think we should be as batshit as possible about it. Make people uncomfortable, so uncomfortable that it breaks the social norms of the story.”

“Leave it to me,” Vang0 says, taking the bottle of hand sanitizer from Burger. “I’m the _best_ at making people uncomfortable.”

“Never thought I’d see the day that aspect of yourself would come in handy,” Dasha laughs. Then she places a hand on Vang0’s shoulder and squeezes him ever so slightly. “You take the lead, and we’ll follow, yeah?”

“Ohhhh, huddle time!” Burger puts a hand on Vang0’s other shoulder and smiles. “We’ve got your back Vang0!”

Dasha and Burger are really close to him like this, touching him and being so supportive, so fuckin’ sue him if his words get caught in his throat a little bit and he stutters out an uncool “C-cool.” before reaching behind him, twisting the knob of the bathroom door and opening it to escape the close proximity and his stupid blushy feelings.

Which, in hindsight, probably wasn’t a great idea, because the door swings open outward, sending Vang0, who was leaning on it, falling to the floor, and Dasha and Burger, who were holding Vang0, toppling over _right on top of him._

The commotion is so conspicuous that it catches the attention of everybody in the coffee shop, all the eyes in the room going over to stare at the graceless pile of the three of them.

Vang0 quickly wriggles his way to standing as Dasha and Burger do the same and then Vang0 does what he is advised never to do on a job.

He lets himself be himself.

“Hi!” Vang0 yells. “Vang0 Bang0 here! And I’ve got something for all of you!”

He bashes the hand sanitizer bottle on the ground.

Except it doesn’t break open. 

It bounces.

Bounces all the way and hits a customer in the face before bouncing back and breaking open on the table in front of them.

“Whoops,” Vang0 winces. “Sorry about that, dude.”

Then he runs to the table and sets the hand sanitizer puddle on fire with his lighter.

“Fire!” Burger yells, doing jazz hands. 

Dasha throws her hands out and awkwardly yells “On fire!”

Vang0, for the lack of anything better to do, throws up a VB.

What happens after is something that will haunt Vang0’s nightmares for a long, long time.

The coffee shop is silent. All eyes are on them. Then everybody stands up in unison. 

“That doesn’t happen in a Coffee Shop AU,” everybody says, their voices converging into one cacophony. They move closer to Vang0, Dasha, and Burger lightning fast, surrounding the three of them as they repeat, louder, “THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN IN A COFFEE SHOP AƯ̴̛̲̤̊̅̔̄̍̽̃̆̎͊͗̀͂͘.” All of their hands start reaching out for the three of you, grabbing and pulling and Vang0 struggles to get away, struggles to help Burger and Dasha out as they gasp in fear and pain, but there’s too many of them, too many of them saying the same words all at once, an accusation, a crime, “THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN IN A COF̸̛̟̜̳̥͍̦̪̖̍̑̓̎̇̍̊̄̍̏̓͋́̈́͘͝F̸̖̀̆̾͐͊̾̎̾̓̎͌͘͜͜͝͝E̷̱̭̲͔͓̻͒ͅȆ̷̱̟̺̣͙̤ ̵̨̢̡̛̛̼̬̞̩̦̙̦̟̒͂͌̔̀̀͛̈́͌͋͂͗̈̀͜͠Ş̶̡̡̱̖̹̼̹̩̟̼̭̯̇͛͋̒̋͊́ͅH̵̝̦̙͎̠̩̜̻̼̀̏̍̄͂̿̓͗͊̌͒̓Ö̴́͋͂͜͠P̵̨̡̡͉͔͈̬̺̞̥͗ͅ ̷̢̘̘̥̠̹͙̞̜̳̗͎̰̋͂̍̉͊A̷͓͆̀U̸̡͖̤̤̼͇͈̖͓̬͈̤͍̲͇̜̔̐̽̌̄͛̿̌.”

It’s hard to keep track of what happens, what with the voices all overlapping and the hands everywhere. Vang0 thinks he gets ripped apart. Vang0 thinks he dies. Vang0 thinks nothing at all.

As it all goes black, all he can hear is those words.

_That doesn’t happen in a Coffee Shop AU._

**Author's Note:**

> part two to come no later than jan 6!!! just adding my finishing touches to it hehe
> 
> im [actualbird](http://actualbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr!!!


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